This Is Our Truth
Have you been listening to the news or reading the newspaper? If so, you've probably heard/read all kinds of stories about the mom who adopted from Russia & recently sent her son back to his birth-country. There are also stories about abuse, neglect, unfit parents, human trafficking & unethical agencies.
Some of those stories infuriate me. They infuriate me because that's what some people will choose to believe adoption is all about. Because of these stories, the Joint Council on International Children's Services has asked adoptive families to speak out about the truth of international adoption.
But what is the truth of international adoption? For us, the truth about adoption (specifically international adoption) is that LOVE, not DNA, is what makes up our family.
The trust is that international adoption is not an easy road. It comes with rules & regulations. It's frustrating & crazy & amazing & wonderful & complicated & hard & so incredibly rewarding. It comes from loss. For us, adoption was not our 2nd choice to become parents & grow our family. Adoption was just the next choice. We're not ashamed to have chosen international adoption over fertility treatments. We are 100% certain this was the plan God had for our family.
The truth is having your social worker call & ask to come see you. It's sitting on the couch across from her & hearing her say, "Your son's birthmom returned & wants him back." The truth is that she has every right to do that. The truth is having to let him go.
The truth is that our children have other parents. They have birthparents & foster parents. They have nannies, orphanage directors & Holt staff in the US & in China & Vietnam that loved & saw them before we ever had that opportunity. They have a past that we will never know in full detail. Sadly, they may not, either.
The truth is that these birthfamilies, foster families, orphanage staff & Holt staff are forever connected to us, too. Some we know & love; some we met while traveling to pick up our children. Some we will never cross paths with.
The truth is that we attended classes that helped inform us of the great loss our children experienced & to understand that as best as we can. The truth is that how our institutionalized children act is a mystery to us & others. It's sometimes a struggle & a frustration to figure out why your 2 1/2 yr. old wants to nurse or why your pre-schooler can't understand why he doesn't have the same color of skin you do & never will.
The trust is smiles, hugs, tears, tantrums, joys, sorrow. The truth is hearing your daughter say, "I love you too much, mommy," as she sits on the potty. It's hearing your son say, "You're my bestest mom ever."
The truth is that I will always become flustered when someone asks "are they yours," because you know without a doubt that they are, but know that other people don't always 'get it.' The truth is that there are facts about my kid's past that I know, but don't have the liberty to share simply because it's not my story.
The truth is that we wanted to parent, not simply 'save' a child. The truth is that our children more brave than we are because of what they've lost & gained as a result of international adoption.
The truth is that what happens in China & Vietnam is now of interest to me because that's where ny kids were born. The truth is that we now consider racism & physical differences in our daily lives because of how our family looks to others.
The trust is that we clean cheese off the dishwasher door & pick baseballs out of the toilet because of international adoption. The truth is that I have blue slushy on basement carpet because my child, yes, MY child, spilled it & I can't get it out. The truth is that I have dandelions on my counter right this moment because my 2 blessings picked them for me this morning.
The truth is that when we look at our children, we do wonder who they look like & where their personalities come from. The truth is that our children are ours...plainly & simply ours. The truth is that we don't look alike, but we love alike. The truth is: We wonder how all our lives would be different if it were not for international adoption. The truth is: We're not willing to find out.
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