The Gift of Jet Lag

Always hits me on the 2nd and 3rd days. I slept great last night, but now, as you can see, I am wide awake.

So I will post about the greatest gift of all from my trip. Enduring the 9 1/2 hour flight to San Francisco, the delay out of San Fran onto Denver, 3 hour layover, then home to Omaha...worth every minute(hours)because we brought two babies home to their families!! I can't tell you what this experience is like, you just have to do it. I am the delivery nurse-the greeter for Omaha where I help the families at the airport when their children come home. This is now my 3rd time being the delivery doctor.

It is amazing the bond that is created in this amount of time traveling, but it really happens. And when that little baby trusts you, your heart just bursts. Everyone teases about how hard it would be to give the babies to their families, but for me, it's not hard at all. I've been on the receiving end of all this so I know what the parents are going thru and I wouldn't want to spoil the moment for them.

The two boys we brought home were 9 and 10 months old. What precious cargo we were in charge of but we were determined to get these precious babies home for Christmas! Imagine that, these parents get to celebrate their sons' first Christmas together! So heart-warming to know that as I celebrate with my children, these parents will be celebrating with theirs.

But the bonus too, there were four babies that our team escorted home to their families!! What a Merry Christmas!!!

A Day of Hope and Grace

I knew what today's event would entail, I have been preparing for quite sometime now, but when it comes right down to it, I am not prepared at all. I haven't described the other days' events because I haven't processed this week quite yet. But today, what an emotional day as an adoptee, mother, and an adoptive mother.

Our day was spent touring a facility for unwed mothers outside of Seoul. I've known about this shelter for a couple of years now, but this was my very first visit. What an oasis for mothers that are pregnant and not married. The support and education they receive would otherwise not be provided for them if this facility didn't exist. How tragic for a mother if that were to occur when her life is in turmoil over how to care for herself, let alone the birth of her child.

When an unwed mother is not accepted in her own family or by her own culture, this place becomes her home and the staff and other mothers become her family. So the name of this shelter translates to 'Graceful Garden'. I loved the logo for this shelter, a tree with hearts as it's leaves.

As I mentioned, I've known about this shelter only because my husband and I helped a little. And to go there in person and see the name, 'Graceful Garden'; my youngest daughter's Korean name translates to 'Grace'. How fitting is that, that this facility would be for birth mothers and with my small involvement of support, my daughter's name is forever a part of it. I have always been grateful to my birth mother, never knowing her, but knowing she made the most heart-wrenching decision of her life and my youngest daughter's birth mother did the same.

Graceful Garden gives these mothers a sense of Hope, no matter the choice they will make for their babies. My Hope for them is that they never regret the choices they make. A mother's love never dies when there is Hope and Grace.

My Family Back Home and Here

My family back home, they get all the fun! NOT! The first day I was gone, I heard from my husband that my son had gotten sick during school so now he was home with the stomach virus.

I catch up on emails at the wee hours of the morning when I wake up and now read an email from my husband, that while having to drive 2 1/2 hours home with our youngest daughter, after a fun-filled day of cheer leading competition...he's not feeling well. I almost laughed at his description but then again, I was laughing so I wouldn't cry...He had to concentrate on driving and not stop or he wouldn't have made it home.

So the email continues with our youngest daughter waking up from sleeping in the back seat , yep, you guessed it...she got sick...oh dear. They managed to get out of the car(for the most part). Somehow my husband found his way home, deep breathing as if in labor. Now he is in and out of the bathroom himself, let alone, our youngest daughter. No Christmas program for her at church!

Then I get a another email from my youngest daughter saying she is so excited about going to cheerleading practice Monday to see if see if she will work out as a 'flyer'(the person that gets tossed in the air). Um...if she's got the stomach virus...I wouldn't want to be her base group! Hope she's feeling better because her email, she was so darn excited!

Now I am praying my oldest daughter won't get this stomach virus...not fun! And I go home in two days...I hope I don't get it either, with that and jet lag!! I will be worthless until the new year!!

I have a warped sense of humor sometimes, but reading my hubby's email at least gave me something to write about here. This is my 4th time with this gift trip, but I am not able to write about it for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I am loving every second of the trip. I think I am processing it differently this year. The places I have gone to, I've been to many times before. I've seen the same children/adults now for several years(including the two other trips not related to this team).

I think my processing is different because as I think of my family back home, all of these children and adults I see here, they too are my family, but I only see them once or twice a year. I feel attached to everyone here and now I am emotionally tied into them. I want for them what my children have and what I have. The staff that care for the children, the staff that work so hard to keep our mission going, they are my family too, for without them, these children would not be getting the love they so deserve.

I get teased because I go on this trip so often, but my worst fear is that if I don't go, the needs will not be met and the toys, supplies and extras will have to be put back on the shelf. I have faith in those that will go, but I understand what happens in the background. Plus, thinking that I won't start off my Christmas season by bringing Christmas here, I'm not sure how I am going to feel. I'm not making any sense here, I know, but it is hard for me to describe. I guess it's because I have a hard time allowing myself to enjoy all the blessings I have unless I share them first.

Why I even get emotional over this, no one has specifically said I 'can't' go on this trip again...so I will wipe up my tears now and meet the day with the same passion I meet everyday I am here, with gratitude and excitement and most of all, with HOPE.

Pictures

Who is this group of ladies at Ilsan?

My Aunt Jeanne is the one that noticed:So had to do the Kodak moment and get Jeanne in the group since Jeanne works for the American Red Cross:

My all-time favorite picture, to share in this moment with the person I am sharing the trip with:
This is looking down over the valley of Ilsan from the resting place of Harry and Bertha, so fitting for them to still watch over their children:

And then we come to our 'fearless' leader:

I wanted to post this for Kora:

And now we are ready to play Santa!

Thoughts of the trip from my Aunt

Here I am a 1/2 a world away in a country where almost everyone looks different than I, language is not my language and even the written words are unrecognizable. It is an interesting experience listening to someone speak and not understand what they're saying until someone interprets it for us. It is interesting to see the effects of war in a divided country some 50 years after a cease fire. Barbed wire along the freeway as we travel north to Ilsan today-closer to the DMZ and North Korea. Farming vegetables in greenhouses. Stories of families divided. Onto our destination-Holt Ilsan Center to host the Christmas party for the residents. An oasis of love between Seoul and North Korea for special needs children and adults. We bring them Christmas, but the gift they give us is so much more. The first stop we made is to the administrative building. Can you imagine my surprise when I see a group of women wearing yellow vests that say Korean Red Cross! Kim-it's a Kodak moment! They are one of many volunteer groups that come to hep with occupational therapy or lend a hand wherever they can once a month. How providential is that! Kim tells me that she has never encountered the Red Cross here on any of her prior 3 visits!

I hear people in our group say Ilsan is a magical place. I understand. If you look and listen with your heart, you see a place teeming with dedication to creating a loving home environment and family. The residents help each other and dedicated staff help each resident achieve their highest level of functioning. We separate up into 2 groups and staff have 'Santa bags' for each of us to deliver. Our shoes come off at the door and the residents are excitedly awaiting their presents. My turn finally comes. I have been coached on Korean etiquette and I remember how to present a gift! Would you believe he Red Cross is present in the group I am selected to present to? The timing was random! The special event is yet to come! This day is something the residents look forward to all year. A party for everyone in the gym with Santa!

There is a Christian group that uses traditional Korean instruments to play Christmas carols. The tune is the same but the words-in Korean! We have someone at our table to translate. Our turn to sing! Our group, led by Addi and Hannah, perform Jingle Bells in English!

We also have the opportunity to give special presents to special residents. I was able to present a bowling set to a resident. He was shaking he was so excited and happy! What fun and what memories!

Other memorable moments occurred yesterday at the luncheon to recognize and honor the foster mothers and after that walking over to the Holt Reception Center to play with the babies! I was able to feed cereal to an older baby and then hold one of the younger ones. He got tagged with the nickname 'little Elvis' thanks to his hairdo! What a sweetie!

The exciting news we here today-4 babies will be meeting their new American families before Christmas with us as their escorts! More baby time! More bubble up time I'm sure! Kathy-you know what I mean! It is an amazing experience overall. One that will take awhile to process. Many memories to hold in my heart.

A Foster Mother's Love

The speech given by a foster mother:

"Five years ago, I had a mind to give someone a helping hand and started taking care of Holt children. At the right moment when the child was held in my arms for the first time, I was deeply moved looking at the child's eyes and my heart was full. Little children look like angels. I thought they are my daughter and my son, and devoted myself to taking care of them. When children are with me, they carry my thoughts back to the past. Someday suddenly the child is sick and is fretful and I hold the child in my arms and I sat up for the whole night without sleeping a wink. The child cries endlessly day and night and I am bathed in tears and it makes me sad and broken-hearted from time to time. I could not express myself how difficult I am, how broken-hearted I am, and how happy I am....etc. I heartily hope the child will be adopted by good parents and the child will grow up happily and healthily in the child's new home. As the child's departure date is coming closer and closer, my heart is palpitated flashily. I am in absent-minded for a while. I have a pang of sorrow thinking that I have to part from the child. I decided not to shed tears of sorrow because the child goes to her new nice home for the sake of the child's better life in the future, but I cried with the loud sounds shedding tears incessantly on my face when the child's back view disappeared from my sight. For the sake of the happy life in the future I have to bury the child's figure in my heart. Those pains make me tears. However, when I look at the child's pretty and healthy appearance a when i received the child's picture and letter from the child's new parents, I am very happy to see her pretty and healthy appearance in the picture. You do not know how happy I am at that time. Today I pledge myself to see the lovely child. So, I am here now. I do not know I can get a prize like this and I am thankful to Holt and I am pleased to receive this prize, but I am very much shamed. I have a pride in my own way, so I am still working for Holt. However, I am not a proper person to get praised from the people. I am so sorry to many children. When I am with children, I do my best for them. However, after leaving them, I am so sorry not to do my best for children. I did not hold children in my arms more often and I am kicking myself not to give them my love. I do not know how long I keep my work for children. meeting children, and soon I have part from them. It is a great pity that I have to part from children and it makes me hurt in my heart. On the other hand, I am happy with labors. I think it is a mission which is given to me by God.

I will pray to God for children and their family, I assure all of you that I will do my best for children and I will take care of them prettily with all my hearts and love."

Deeper thoughts

As I re-read my blog entry from yesterday, I realize I didn't go into much detail about the day, but so much of this trip is emotional and it takes a few days, even weeks, to process what one experiences.

And the fact that I was very tired, didn't help, but I wanted to write something about my day so everyone back home would know what was happening.

Yesterday, one of the foster mothers spoke about her feelings regarding being a foster mother and caring for our children. We were handed the translation of her speech and as she was speaking, I began to read it...well, needless to say, I couldn't read past the first few lines before I had to get my sunglasses. I actually had to stop reading it. I hope to get permission to write her speech on here and then you will know why I needed my sunglasses...gosh darn it...I'm tearing up again just thinking about it. Stay tuned...

When the luncheon was over, I got my baby fix. We were able to go to the Holt Reception center and play with the babies. I got one little guy to laugh, it was one of those short, sweet laughs that you just can't stop but laugh with him when you hear him and I continued to make him laugh by saying boo to him. I could have taken this little guy home with me...don't worry family, I didn't smuggle him out...but I was oh so close!

Another gift team member was holding a little girl right before we were to leave and the poor little girl did the scene from 'Four Christmases' where the baby throws up. That's right, I didn't jump right up to help or I would have done it too! I know my family is shaking their heads right now...Ok, so I'm not good with that stuff, I can admit it! And I found out that my son has the stomach virus...um, good timing on my part to be away, not that I don't want to be home to take care of him, but the fact my hubby didn't need that on top of me being gone! Hope he starts feeling better soon and hope no one else at home gets it! Yuck...(Crossing my fingers)

What a wonderful surprise for me this early, early morning to open my email and receive a message from my friend who went on this trip with me last year. What a huge heart she has. She so wants to be on this trip with us so she has sent a wonderful donation for toys for our trip to the orphanage tomorrow. What a wonderful friend, she is my Utah Sistah, we were two peas in a pod last year. And with this last minute generosity, I know she knows the true meaning of Christmas, it's about giving because we have been blessed. I love her for that. Everyone knows that Christmas for me is about giving and making it the best for everyone possible and now I received this wonderful gift from my friend and for that, I thank her and love dearly with my whole heart. She calls me Kimchee because I am Korean(duh) and spicy!! Thank you, thank you, you made me need my sunglasses, but thank goodness I am in my room alone so I can let the tears flow as they may...

Love and hugs to everyone back home!!

The Hardest Job in the World

Here is the Gift Team watching the History of Holt video at the Holt Korea offices:

We all got a nice treat from some members of the Ilsan choir as they sang Christmas songs for us. We can all learn a great deal from these choir members, they sing with gusto and is so inspiring:

After the official ceremony of honoring our foster mothers, they too, must be in a group photo:

I say these foster mothers have the hardest job in the world, for they give of themselves with their whole heart to care for our children until they are placed with their forever family. I always say the toughest part of raising a child is from an infant to six months, then they 'start' being fun. Our foster mothers raise and love our kids during these months over and over again, child after child. They truly are our angels watching over our angels. We honored foster mothers for their service of 5-35 years and those that were retiring.

During the luncheon and ceremony, the two young girls on our team met their foster mothers. I will not tell what happened, because this is their story to tell and their parents that were able to attend this trip with them. Just as an observer, adoptee, mother, and adoptive mother, these types of reunions touch my heart greatly. To see the joy on the faces of the foster mothers, pure sunglasses moment(for when I cry).

Here is our tour leader showing us how to make and eat the traditional Korean BBQ...needless to say, I l-o-v-e this dinner, my all time favorite!! Man it's good to be back in Korea and eat Korean food!! I even ate kimchi for breakfast!! As my hubby would say, it's in my blood...oh yeah baby!!!

Here is my Aunt at our Koren BBQ dinner, and yes, we are sitting on the floor! And no, that is not her beer!!

I slept thru the night!

It always amazes me that I can sleep thru the night on my first night here. Guess not being able to sleep on a 13 hour flight has it's advantages! So here is what I look at when I think I have been traveling for SO long on the flight:

I think to myself, 'Wow, I have been flying for a long time now', then look at the monitor and realize, I still have 8 MORE hours of flying!!!

Then I look at this:

And realize how cool is that! To see myself crossing over the international date line. This always gets me tho, it messes me up on my days and when I finally think I have it down, I mess it up when I talk to my family back home. Oh well, Koreans can have blonde moments too!!

We arrived at the airport and everyone's luggage arrived and no one got stopped at customs!! So here is the 2008 Holt Gift Team, one of many group photos to come. The Gift Team consists of volunteers from Oregon, Washington, Nebraska, Iowa, and Ohio:

In Korea and Tired

To say the least! I am not one to sleep on the plane, I sure wish I could tho on such a long flight! It does help to be seated in economy plus, even for my short legs. I am off to bed, way too tired and we have a full day tomorrow. I will write tomorrow!! Good night or good morning for most of you! Love and miss you all!!

Korea or Bust!

I can finally say I am ready for my trip! Christmas cards are done and ready to mail...the trees are decorated...the schedule is typed out for my family...and I am almost packed, which is saying a lot since I usually don't pack until the night before!

The next time I will post will be from Korea...I am so excited so stay tuned!

Thanks Mom, for the Reminder...

That TODAY is MY Gotcha Day! Wow! I haven't thought about my own Gotcha Day in a long time, probably because I am always so busy with living life! For those that do not know what a 'Gotcha Day' is, it is the day when a child joins their forever family. So today is my 36th anniversary of the day I joined my forever family...amazing. And to think of how far I have come in my life...

I have been so blessed, though the road wasn't always easy, but with the all the challenges, it made me that much more of a stronger person. I really wouldn't trade my experiences, for all of them, the GOOD and the bad, made me the person I am today. I was given a wonderful chance at life and happiness and I am proof that dreams really do come true! How lucky am I to have a wonderful family of my own and be able to give back to those that have truly been instrumental in giving me this life!

In eight days, I will depart for Korea. I get the wonderful opportunity to give back to Holt, but in reality, I am the one that receives the wonderful gifts of seeing our dedicated Holt-Korea staff, our foster families, and most of all, the children and adults in our orphanages and at Ilsan.

No wonder this time of year always gets to me, it's the time of year I was given the gift of my forever family. Thank you, mom, and I am so happy we are sharing the Holidays together! I love you!

My Reminder for Giving Thanks...

This is a size 2 toddler jacket that I wore when I was 5 1/2 years old. I look at it every once in awhile and really can't get over how tiny it is. The significance of this jacket, it was the jacket I wore on the day I joined my second adoptive family in the United States. I was in the first family for 15 months, but was horribly physically abused. If I would not have been adopted into my current family, I truly believe I would not be alive.

I am not a saver of things anymore, but this jacket, I will never get rid of. What a great reminder for me of the day I was given yet, another chance at life and oh what I life I have had and still have! My life today, people assume I am spoiled, I am, but it came with a lot of hard work and prioritizing of my life and the lives of my own family members.

When I look at this jacket, I think to myself, "What a cute jacket!" But the most important thing I think of when I see this jacket is how grateful I am for the life I have been given. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Oh Where, Oh Where....

Have I been? Living life, keeping busy, making major decisions that I thought I would never have to make(not ones that affect my family, sort of).

Life is crazy at times, we all have to keep our focus on what is important in life and for me, that is my family. I was out of town most of last week and weekend. My hubby was pretty funny and saying how glad he is to have me home, being a 'single' parent was very tough on him. But he does an excellent job when I am gone. I wouldn't be able to handle it if I had all of his responsibilities at work like he does, then come home and run the household, I would be a wreck! That is why I chose to be a stay at home mom. I know my limits.

It's funny to hear my kids talk about how busy they were with more responsibilities when I am gone...do they really appreciate all I do for our family? YES!!! I know they do and that is why I became a mother, so they could be kids and I could be the parent. I love my hubby dearly and love my kids dearly for stepping up to help when I am gone so that I too may follow my passions!

So, onto the election....tough no matter which way you voted, but wow, history was made and I am proud that America is the land of opportunity for everyone! But it's about how kids think too. My son was telling me about how his discussions at school yesterday and how it came to someone saying to him that he was a racist because if my son could vote, he would vote for McCain...ummm, my son is of mixed race and the student who dared to call him a racist was of a different race(other than Caucasian). I guess I am wondering why it is coming down to race for some people. I've lived with this all my life and I am able to look past any of that. I am able to take the emotion out of it too, guess that has been my survival instinct. I wonder when we can be 'judged' by who we are and not by our race or gender or income level?

Relatives

Since my last posting about losing a parent, my uncle from my dad's side of the family passed away over the weekend and I attended his funeral yesterday. Weddings and funerals are the times when we catch up with relatives that we haven't seen in years. I am grateful I was able to attend my uncle's funeral and see my cousins that I haven't seen for years. I can't even remember the last time I saw them. Some of my greatest memories from my childhood are the ones spent with my cousins.

As I read my uncle's obituary, it struck me that I hadn't realized I had seven cousins. Granted I was younger than most of them so only remember two of the girl cousins. Seeing everyone again after so many years, I would not have recognized any of them, but maybe one if it were in a different setting. Thank goodness for my mom being there with me to introduce me to everyone.

Then come to find out I had an impact on one of my cousins to look at adoption. I don't remember this cousin either, but what a wonderful blessing to know that I had this influence. He was no longer eligible to adopt from Korea, but still pursued adopting a girl from China. This little girl is now 4 years old and cute as can be.

On the drive home, my mom was able to clear up the happenings that occurred with each of my uncles. One uncle I have never met as he chose to close himself off from all family years ago. These life stories sounded like soap operas, but in the end, my uncle that passed away did find happiness and lived his life to the fullest. I'm blessed to know I talked to him a few weeks ago when he called me out of the blue just to say hi to me.

Another thing that struck me as I was at the funeral, my uncle looked so much like my father. I thought this when he attended my dad's funeral so many years ago. Then to see pictures of him in the program, he and my father looked amazingly alike. I couldn't 't help but be stunned by the similarities. Seeing the pictures really made me miss my father even more, but what great memories I have of him and now my uncle.

We all lose touch with our relatives until a wedding or a funeral. We all need to appreciate family more. I wish life wasn't so busy for everyone and we could all get together more often.

The Loss of a Parent

Lately, I have had friends around me lose a parent. When I go to write in the sympathy card, I'm not sure what to write to make the loss any easier. I think of losing my father at such an early age and I try to think of what words would make me feel better if I had lost him at this time in my life. Then I think to myself that losing a parent at any age is hard. The pain and loss doesn't really seem real until later.

Losing my father when I was 18 years old, I think of the loss of time I had with him. I think of my husband, though we dated at such an early age, never really got to know my father. I think of my children not having the chance to know my father, their grandfather. I think that is the hardest part for me. I would have loved for my kids to have known my father, to laugh with him like I did. He is the one that gave me my sense of humor, thank goodness!

I know my dad would have loved my kids and they would have loved him. Seems so strange to me that my own family never knew my dad. I think of how I will pass on my father's legacy; it won't be thru any names, but thru my sense of humor and looking at having fun in life. I love you dad and I miss you.

A New Season

Fall is upon us, officially today. Usually I think of Fall starting when my kids start school in the second week of August. When I had a 'youngin' still at home during the start of school, I would walk one of the elementary schoolers and push the younger one in the stroller to school then off to the neighborhood park. As I would push the stroller, the leaves would fall around us like it was raining, but they were showers of leaves and the sound of them crunching under the wheels of the stroller were extremely relaxing. Well now my youngest is in her last year of elementary school and I do not walk her to school nor do I walk in the park.

It's just not the same without pushing a stroller. I did this with each child and now I the time has come where I sit and look out the window at the Fall leaves. I don't mind seeing the leaves from my window, it still relaxes me as I remember each of my kids and our time together walking in the park.

I love the change of seasons, what a magical moment to see everything in nature change. I can't believe how fast time goes by. No wonder I treasure every moment. Today, the first day of Fall and it's raining. I love the rain as it perks everything up outside. I know some people don't like the rain or the overcast skies, but I love it, because around the corner will be the ray of sunshine people are always searching for.

Stay Tuned...

I will be blogging about yet another Christmas trip to Korea in December! I'm so excited, the time is getting closer and just found out flight reservations are being made!! YES!!

Nine Years Ago Today..

I was in surgery to remove an AVM from above my right ear...brain surgery of all things! Crazy to think I even had brain surgery and it wasn't an easy one(is brain surgery ever easy?). I was in surgery for 7 hours!! When I woke up in recovery, I heard my doctor talking and heard the time and wow, I couldn't believe I was in surgery for that long. Once I figured out I was awake, I made sure to run down the names of my family members and move my arms and legs to make sure all was working...everything worked and I had my memory!

I was brought into icu and I had asked my nurse about my husband and my mom. Needless to say, I had the nurse from hell, she was not in a good mood. Throughout my life, I have used my sense of humor to get thru the good and the bad so of course, I tried using it on my nurse, but she just didn't get it. I made sure to give my feedback on her when I was able to function later. I know we all have bad days at work and my nurse was at the tail end of her shift when I came in, but really, I had just survived 7 hours of brain surgery!

So today always marks a huge day for me. I am still alive and I have use of all of my bodily functions and I have my memory intact(sometimes my husband wishes parts of my memory would have been lost..)but he too is very grateful that I made it thru the surgery. At the time of my surgery, my kids were 7, 5, and 18 months old. That was THE hardest morning for me ever in my life, hugging all of my kids before I left for the hospital. I am crying now just remembering that morning. Then as I was being rolled to pre-op, I had to say goodbye to my husband...my best friend since I was 14 years old, that was the scariest feeling and then I was alone in pre-op. All I could think of was I wanted to be asleep so I didn't have to feel so scared and alone, it took awhile for anyone to come in, felt like an eternity!

I am so grateful to my skilled surgeon. I can't believe I would have ever needed a neurosurgeon in my lifetime. But I am grateful for finding this ticking time bomb when I did, it was by a fluke chance that I had insisted on getting a CT scan. I don't have any noticeable scars, but the scar is from the middle of my forehead, all the way down the side of my head to the front of my right earlobe. I was actually shocked at first to see such a big incision, but heck, if that's what it took to get the AVM, then it's okay because I do not want to go thru that again!

I am here today with so much to be thankful for, that is why I live my life to the fullest everyday. It's not a cliche for me, it's a lifestyle!

Finding Our Roots

My life's journey lately has been about finding more about my past and my heritage. Being adopted creates an even bigger challenge in finding one's roots. My world will not come to an end if I don't find more information, but I will not settle for not even trying. I take it one day at a time, this journey does not consume me, I have to be patient.

It just so happens that the Today Show has been talking about finding one's roots and today, someone said something that truly hit home with me, "It's not about what your ancestors did, it's about what you do today". I love who I am today(wow, I actually said 'love')I would have never said that a few years ago, I may have said 'like'. I know it's because of my life today and how I have come to embrace my life. So many people and events have shaped who I am today, all the good and even the bad.

So my journey continues, for what I do today will shape who I am tomorrow.

Peace

The decision to get rid of our land line was really a great decision! The peace and quiet of no ringing phones...priceless! And to think we are saving money per month too, anything to cut back, especially with college expenses looming in a year.

My kids in full swing with school and we are busier than ever, but it has been all good and fun to start all the school activities. Football season kicks off this Friday, yeah! I always loved high school football games! Okay, so I didn't watch the actual football games, but it was great nonetheless! Go Mustangs!

Facebook | Kim A Hanson

Facebook Kim A Hanson

Here is the group for Nebraska adoptees, please take a look!

Reaching Out

I am very passionate about my adoption story and the stories of other adoptees in this world. I have written down my thoughts and dreams on paper, put it into a mini book just for my husband and will soon give a copy to my children. This book was only a part of my story though, I have to include the beginning of my life for without experiencing any of that, I wouldn't be here today. I just need to commit myself to writing again and then go back and edit my book to include 'the rest of the story'.

So now trying to spread the mission of Holt, the story and legacy of Holt. With this includes the all important group of people that have been touched by the Holts, the adoptees. I have met some wonderful adoptees and now I know it is my mission to reach out to everyone and see what it is we all dream of, hope for, and wish for others just like ourselves.

My family life is very busy so my time is very restricted as my top priority has always been my family. But I have been blessed with meeting other adoptees that share this same passion of reaching out to other adoptees and therefore, can help in this reaching out process.

For those adoptees out there, especially in Nebraska and are interested in joining the group, Nebraska Area Korean Adoptees, please give me your contact info here and I will send you an invitation, all are welcome! The creator of this group is very enthusiastic about getting adoptees together and I thank him so much for that!

Refreshing to know

That ALL of my kids have had a great start to school. Reading back on my posts, I can see that some may see me as being negative about having my kids and their friends at my house during the summer. Reality is, I love having my kids feel comfortable enough to have their friends hang out here and that their friends like hanging out here. I know what my kids are up to and I get to know their friends.

There are just times when I really need and want my own space, doesn't everyone? I was very social when I was a teenager, but my house wasn't the place to 'hang'. I always went to my friends' houses. Maybe that's why I consider my own house now as a sanctuary to myself. But my house isn't just for myself and I truly do enjoy the laughter and fun that fills up my house. It's a busy place around here and I wouldn't want it any other way!

Peace and Quiet..

Is what I have right now, besides watching the Olympics, I am able to get my duties done and not get any interruptions from kids! My son has started his freshman year in high school, I think he's excited, but nervous too. The freshman have the whole school to themselves today called, 'The Freshman Stampede'. Tomorrow will be the big test for him when everyone is there, it's a big school and over 2500 students...

My oldest daughter is helping out with The Freshman Stampede. She is on the varsity cheerleading squad so helped out in the morning and will help out at the pep rally at the end of the day. What a big year for her, her senior year! I can't believe it and then to think of her touring college campuses...the year will fly by way too fast, I just know it!

My youngest daughter started 5th grade, her last year for elementary and she is very excited. She loves her teacher already. Her teacher is very young so will be nice to see the enthusiasm of a new teacher. I already have homework, but only to write a letter to describe my daughter so the teacher can 'get to know her' better. Nice idea.

I guess I should get started on that...I was always a procrastinator when it came to homework, my hubby was the complete opposite, he even worked ahead in class...show off! Guess it paid off for him though for his career, he's always been a hard worker and a very high achiever.

Okay, okay time for homework...

I love my kids dearly but...

I can't wait until school starts in one week!!! I love them dearly and I love the fact that our house is 'the place to hang' but having kids ALL the time, I'm going bonkers!! I want my space!

I had my house cleaned today and not five minutes later, my youngest and her cousin are rinsing out their malt(paper cups)in the sink in the basement...ugh!!! Just throw them away upstairs!! I am a person that dislikes milk, so to think of having the spoiled milk smell in my basement(urp)yuck!!

All I'm asking is to have a completely clean house for at least ONE day!! Ahhhhhhhh!!! Just one more week...counting down the days...!!

Another Milestone

I just returned from getting my son registered for high school. I have done this for three years for my daughter, but this year, she will go with her boyfriend and not need me since she is now a senior. But I still get to be 'included' in this right of passage because of my son becoming a freshman. Hard to believe he will be in high school. Felt like it was yesterday I was walking the halls with my daughter trying to find her locker and classrooms. I am not done with high school though, my youngest daughter still keeps me young being an elementary student! But this is also her last year for elementary...so many milestones, so little time!

Trying to be 'hip'

So I have tried MySpace, stopped using that forum very quickly since it was messing up my computer everytime. So now it's onto Facebook. Why do I use these forums? Because so many people tell me that is how I need to network. What am I networking for? I am trying to network with adoptees so trying different avenues. I'm just a little slow at doing all that it entails to keep up to date on Facebook. I see so many others posting and such, I just don't do that. It's hard enough for me to post on here!

So my other purpose for being on other forums, searching for any member of my birth family. I post my referral picture as my profile picture, not because I don't want others to see what I look like today, but in the small chance that someone out there may recognize me. Yes I know, long shot, but I have also come to see that this really is a small world after all.

When I travel to Korea, I am usually on a set tour trip so I don't have spare time to do a search. I know, I know, I could just travel to Korea and make it a priority to do a search.

What have I found out about my past? I was only in the orphanage for three years, not four years like I had thought. So now my first year of life remains a mystery. Do I HAVE to find out about my past? No, I just feel it would be such gift if I did find a connection. Nothing more, nothing less. I just don't want to leave let it go and then regret not even trying.

I was talking to my husband last night about what it feels like being an adoptee. There really isn't that much difference from being a 'birth' child. Does anyone really 'choose' who their parents are going to be? No. Is it easier to put blame on being adopted for all that went 'wrong' in my life? Yes. But I don't do that either. Most of what I experienced in my life is just life. We all need to know that we need to start taking responsibility for our own lives and happiness and the path we choose to take. As adults, we have to claim our own happiness. No one else can make that happen. The easy way out is to blame others.

Yes, it took me til I was in my 30's to really take control of my own happiness and see my path in life. It differs for everyone. My advice is to take your time, take control, and most importantly, do what it is you really want to do. I was talking about dreams the other day with some friends. Do you have to have dreams? I've thought about that more since then. My thinking is no, it's okay if you don't have dreams, because just maybe you have already fulfilled them....

Connections

On Saturday, we attended the Holt Midwest picnic. Always a great success, always a lot of families, which I love to see! The little babies and kids are so darn cute! It always surprises me to see so many little adoptees and to think I was once one of those little ones. Now I am to be one of the role models. It was great this time to have a few more adult adoptees there to help in being role models.

Our special guest for the picnic was Kim Deardorff, a fellow adoptee, now living in Nashville. I have heard of Kim but never met him until Friday night. I have to say, I have been blessed to have met him. His story is one everyone needs to hear so please go to: mystorykim.com. At the last minute, I was able to get a few of us adult adoptees to go out to dinner after the picnic. So interesting how we connected for the weekend. One of the adoptees, I have been friends with since the Motherland tour in 2006. One adoptee just moved to Omaha and connected us thru another adoptee from the same Motherland tour. And then Kim Deardorff.

So at dinner, Kim ordered a strawberry margarita, his very first margarita ever at the age of 44!! I have to say, to see Kim enjoy his first margarita was one of pure joy, he sees life with pure enjoyment. Meaning he looks at life as being 'so amazing' and being so fun. It was truly a refreshing time with him. Reminded me to continue to look at life and the little things in life as if I were seeing or experiencing them for the first time. Thanks Kim!

Also, funny to be with just Korean adoptees again, but the connections we make, they were meant to be and we all have to make it a point to do things for ourselves to remind ourselves of where we came from, where ever that may be.

"Lazy" Summer...

I love summer...but it goes by way too quickly. What have I been doing? Going from one appointment to another getting ready for school...yes, school!! My kids start school August 13th already! It becomes reality when we go school supply shopping; the excitement is so cute, I remember those days too. I wanted all the coolest looking supplies, but really just got the basics. By the time I got to high school, my supply list was very basic and I only got what I really needed at the last minute. And now they have the fancy fabric book covers. I have shown my oldest daughter how to 'old school it' and make book covers from paper grocery bags. Now my son will be starting high school so he too will be 'old schooling' it with the book covers.

Along with arranging doctor appointments for my kids; physicals, dentist, ortho, wisdom teeth, senior pictures, I have been dealing with an ear infection. Every summer I get one, when will I learn? I need to wear ear plugs when I swim, but darn it, it is weird swimming with those things in my ears. I get surprised every summer when the ear infection comes on too, my husband just shakes his head...I know, I know...

Steven Curtis Chapman

I saw his concert last night, what an amazing person and artist, I am in awe of him and his strength, but more so, in his faith. After the tragic loss of his youngest daughter on May 21st, he was able to begin his concert tours, this was his third concert since that life-changing day. I cried almost the entire concert. The strength it took to share his pain and his family's pain and to sing the songs that mean so much to him. Each song having a much deeper meaning.

Then he introduced his sons...his oldest son was playing guitar, his youngest son was playing drums...I couldn't stop crying. I had noticed the guitar player earlier and thought to myself how sad he looked, now the pieces came together. As a parent, I was so proud of them for having the strength and strong faith to be on stage with their father during this difficult time, but also knew that this is what they all needed to do, this is their calling. To share their talents with everyone, even in the darkest of hours.

I had listened to Steven's song, 'Cinderella' before the tragedy occurred and had my husband listen to it as it reminded me of our daughters and him. Now we were hearing Steven sing it in person and the meaning of it was magnified even more. I was amazed at how Steven could still sing it, May 21st wasn't that long ago...but he told the audience he had to sing it, for the meaning of it and the message of what the song entails. Hearing him sing it and watching him sing it, he had to reach within the depths of his soul and his faith to get thru it, I could feel it. And his sons played along with their father during this song...then I noticed his son(on the drums)left after the song was over...my heart broke for him.

The message Steven left with me was to live in the moment, life changes without our control. I live this message, now it's even more important to live the way I want to and the way I was meant to. No matter what bigger power one believes in, life is out of our control. We need to know all the 'stuff' we thought was important really isn't. Focus on what you can control and most importantly, hug our children, enjoy every moment with them and love your partner.

Steven talked about the struggles couples face and how life will continue to test one another, but we have to hang onto the faith, even when we really question it. I have questioned my faith plenty of times throughout my life, but every time, I have come out of it on top and stronger. I have been blessed in my life, I have been tested in life, but thru it all, I have learned to live 'In the Moment'!

If I could have spoken to Steven in person last night, I would have said, 'Thank you Steven for sharing your talents with us, sharing in your pain, and sharing in your faith. Your little angel Maria and the rest of your family are very lucky to have you in their lives!'

Inspiration

Watching the Olympic Swim Trials in person and on tv and seeing Dara Torres swim like she did at the age of 41(the same age I am), gives me inspiration to know that so many people in this world really do follow their dreams and not let age get in the way. I always feel younger than I am, but it isn't about being embarrassed about being 41 either. I love my age right now and like Dara, I love letting people know how 'old' I am!

I watched the Track and Field Trials on tv also and what a great group of athletes to give all of us inspiration! I love watching people reach their goals and strive to be the best they can be. I am so excited to watch the Olympics, I can say I saw some of the Olympians in person!

Another inspiration for me are my in-laws, today they celebrate their 48th wedding anniversary. Yes, I have my issues at times, but to say you have been married for 48 years, that is incredible! I can't wait for the day when I am able to say I have been married for 48 years!

So for those that are far from my reach and those that are within reach, thank you for being such an inspiration!

The Image of Omaha

When we are out of town and mention we are from Omaha, Nebraska, we get the puzzled look and the response of, 'Oh so you are farmers'. Those that know us know we are far from being farmers. Anyway, with Omaha hosting the College World Series and now hosting the Olympic Swim Trials, Omaha is getting some face time and gaining a name for ourselves.

We attended the first session of the swim trials yesterday and what a thrill that was to see all the swimmers not to mention the Olympic sized pool at the Qwest center. Built just for this occassion, it holds 2,000,000 gallons of water, that's right, 2 million gallons of water! Pretty impressive huh?

Another pretty impressive thing, seeing Michael Phelps in person! Woohoo!

A Shout to Lynlee

HAPPY SWEET 16 BABY!!!!!!!

We love you and miss you, have an AWESOME day!!!

Time at the lake

Walking up to Rum Runner's, quite the hike up!:Kora getting her courage to jump in: Skip flinging off!
Taylor shows how it's really done!:
Sara floating around:
Jeff mustering up the courage to jump in:
Skip was so close ringing the bell:

Cannon Ball!
Having fun balancing:

The girls on the paddle boat:
Taylor and Christian:
The boys paddle boating:The girls resting:
Christian hanging in there to ring the bell:
The adults:The kiddos:Lynlee got really red:

Erika got tanner too!

Cowboys and Cowgirls

Sup Cowgirls: Gittin Ready:
The Parker Hansons: Saddle up:
The last of the 'tall' adults, Jennie with Jack:

The Two Brothers, Jeff with Basil and Skip with Blaze:
The three 'tall' adults:Christian and Poco:
Erika waiting for her horse, Big Bessie:

Giddy up Bessie:
Lynlee and Kidd: First time cowboy Taylor and Eclipse:

My horse was Blue, sorry as usual no picture. We all had a fun time but never got to trot because the leader's horse was pretty ornry and even spooked Lynlee's horse once! Jennie got yelled at for trotting, she's such a trouble maker!