The End of National Adoption Month

As November comes to an end, so does National Adoption Month. Adoption is a very special mission for me. I have my forever family because of adoption. I completed my own family because of adoption. How blessed I am to know I can give back. So many people have touched my life and I can only hope I have touched the lives of others.

And how fitting to end National Adoption Month and begin December with my own Gotcha Day, December 1st, the day I joined my forever family. I am grateful for my forever family. I have wonderful memories of my childhood and have tried to give my own children these great memories. My forever family is small, but we are all together in Omaha and it's been wonderful being able to celebrate everything together. There were a lot of years that we weren't able to be together due to distance and money. Now we can and it's been great having my family all together again.

I don't take things for granted in my life, I enjoy life, I live life, I treasure life.

Giving Thanks

So much in my life to give thanks for that it would take quite a lot of typing on my part. First and foremost,
I give thanks to God for giving me life.
I give thanks to Harry and Bertha Holt for answering God's calling to help orphaned Korean children.
I give thanks to the families that opened their hearts and homes to the children in need of their own families.
I give thanks to my first family for bringing me to the United States. I know you meant well, but God took care of me during the time I was in your home and I made it.
I give thanks to my forever family, the Anderson's. You ARE my family.
I give thanks for the strength I gained during the rough times.
I give thanks for the many joyous times in my childhood.
I give thanks my continued determination to live a happy life.
I give thanks for having great friends when I needed them the most.
I give thanks for having one special boyfriend throughout my teen years.
I give thanks for being able to build our first house together.
I give thanks for being independent.
I give thanks for knowing what I wanted in life.
I give thanks for following my dreams.
I give thanks for marrying my high school sweetheart.
I give thanks for giving birth to a healthy baby girl and I give thanks for being able to watch her grow into a beautiful woman today.
I give thanks for the little family my husband and I created.
I give thanks for taking the big leap of faith and moving our family to Texas.
I give thanks for squeaking by living off of one income.
I give thanks for giving birth to a healthy baby boy, even if he was born in Texas ;)
I give thanks for making our family priority and doing things our way.
I give thanks for moving back to Omaha just in time for our daughter to start school.
I give thanks for having wonderful next door neighbors to laugh with, be crazy with, celebrate with, cry with.
I give thanks for God's timing of bringing baby number three into our family.
I give thanks for experiencing the journey of adoption, even though I gained weight during the process.
I give thanks for being able to share in our joys with our families.
I give thanks for being with families during the sorrows.
I give thanks for surviving brain surgery and a seizure.
I give thanks for all the many special people I have met in my life.
I give thanks for being back at a church I feel comfortable in.
I give thanks for my undying faith in God for without him, my happiness would not have been possible.
My list could go on and on, so you get the picture, be thankful for the all the big and little things in life!

Fitting In

Don't we all try to fit in somewhere? Growing up, I've always thought I fit in wherever I was. We even try to fit into our clothes daily. We all want to be a certain size, we always think we should/could be a size smaller or two. It wasn't until my grown up years that I figured out that the clothes I was wearing were a few sizes too big. It took my oldest daughter to tell me that I am actually a size small. Are you sure? I swear I was at least a size medium. I've had people tell me all my life that I was 'small', but I took that as being short.

So why was I buying medium and large sizes? Because I saw myself as my peers. I wasn't an outsider, I was just like them. So if they were buying clothes in size medium, I did too. I did not see myself as the little Asian girl, I saw myself as a normal teenager and young adult living in the United States. When I looked in the mirror, it brought me back to reality and the fact that I am Korean. Oh well, I didn't have to look in the mirror that long anyway.

Did I have hang ups about my height? Yes, but who doesn't? When a girl is tall, doesn't she want to be shorter? Did I have hang ups about make-up? Yes, but what girl doesn't? Did I have hang ups about my hair? Yes, but...you get the picture.

I see my own kids go thru all of the above so it shows that just because I had some of these hang ups, it wasn't because I was adopted, it's because I was just growing up. And I'm still growing, not up, but more secure and mature.

Shouldn't I Be Bitter?

Because I was 'ripped' from my country of birth; because I was abused in my first family; because I didn't look like my parents; because I wasn't related to any of my family by blood like my sister; because I was picked on and teased as a kid; because I didn't have the things all the other kids had; because people would stare at me; because people would stare at my family; because my parents divorced; because my dad passed away when I was 18; because, because, because...

But I'm not bitter. The above can happen to people whether they are adopted or not. My birth children didn't decide to be born in the states they were; all of my kids get stared at; my family gets stared at; I still get stared at; people still talk about me behind my back.

I don't define myself as just an adoptee. I don't define myself as just a wife and mother. I am who I am because of all that I went thru in the past, the good and the bad. I wouldn't trade it for the world, even the abuse. I feel that made me the strong person I am today. All the things that happened to me wasn't because I was adopted. It was life. No one owes me anything, I don't need a handout, I take control of what lies ahead of me. I decided long ago that I would live a life of happiness no matter what life threw at me. My story is my story. Everyone has a life story and it matters, it doesn't have to be filled with tragic moments to be interesting. We all go thru our own challenges, big and small, it's how a person decides to deal with it that determines the end of the story.

I don't claim to be the perfect person, I don't strive to be. I am only human, I have plenty of faults and there are days that I feel like screaming. I live my life the way I want to, the way God intended for me to live. He doesn't create the bad things, he prays that I can come out of the darkness and shine onto others. The past few years, I've been lucky enough to shine on others. Giving feels good when I give from my heart. I feel if I can touch one person and that person can live a life of happiness, then I have done God's work.

An Adoptee Forgives

I have written about my adoption journey and how I came to be here in the United States. I wrote about the physical abuse I endured for 15 months from my first family.

When I was about 15 years old, I found my kindergarten report card sitting on our dining room table. I looked at my name and on it, my former last name was crossed out 'Hansen' and my new last name was written in 'Anderson'. Now why is this so monumental? Because at the time, I was dating a person with the last name, 'Hanson' and I married him. Just please notice the 'sen' and 'son', big difference, seriously.

After my third trip to Korea in 2006, I decided to do some research on Google for my first family. I have known my last name was Hansen for quite sometime now. Prior to the Motherland Tour, I had received all of my adoption papers from the adoption agency. The spark for my curiosity, on the front page of my papers, there it was, a full name written in pencil with the last name of Hansen. I knew immediately that was the father's name. So here went nothing...Google, don't let me down now...

The person's name came up with a list of possible relatives so I looked up each of the relatives and the names continued to be the same. So there it was, the name and address and phone number of this person. I looked at the ages so thought maybe these were the grandparents. So I threw caution to the wind and dialed the one number on my screen. I was hoping this person would have a connection to my first family.

I dialed the number, the phone was ringing...someone answered, a female. I must have known who it was for some reason, my mother. Here is the conversation:
Me: "This may sound crazy, but did you adopt a little girl from Korea in 1971?"
Her: "Yes".
Me: "Did you have to giver her up?"
Her: Silence..."Yes".
Me: "I think I am that little girl".
Her: Silence
Me: "I just wanted to thank you and your husband for you are the ones responsible for bringing me to the United States."
Her: "Yes, we did."
Me: "I have thanked you in my heart for all these years and have always wanted to thank you."
Her: Silence
Me: "I wanted to let you know that if you ever thought of me, I am doing just fine and living a wonderful life with my own family."
Her: "That's good."
Me: "I also wanted you to know that I never held any anger or resentment towards you."
Her: Silence
Me: "I am able to volunteer and give back to the adoption agency I was adopted thru to give back."
Her: "I do a lot of volunteering too."
Me: "I live in Omaha, Nebraska."
Her: "I have a sister in Blair." (small world huh?)
Me: "How is your husband?"
Her: "He's right here, he's doing fine, we're old you know." (at this moment in time, they were ages 80 and 81) I could picture him sitting in that easy chair again.
Me: "Could you please tell him about me and that I am living a happy life."
Her: "I will."
Me: "Could you also tell my siblings if they ever thought about me, that I am living a happy life."
Her: "I will, they are ages 40-52." (four siblings)
Me: "If they would like my contact information, could you please give it to them."
Her: "I will."
Her: "I still have pictures of you, I should send them to you."
Me: "That would be great, I would really like that." (knowing full well I would never see them)
Me: "Well, that was why I called, to thank you."
Her: "Thank you, we never knew what happened to you, we thought you were sent back to Korea."
Me: "No, I was adopted by another family in Minnesota and had a great life."
Her: "Oh."
Me: "Okay, thank you, have a great day."
Her: "Okay, goodbye."

I couldn't believe I remained so calm. But all along, I was thinking of how I would have felt on the other end of the line. A few months later, I wrote her and sent her a picture of my family with a note saying this was the best accomplishment of my life. I never heard back from her, I never received any pictures from her. I knew I wouldn't.

I knew I would never hear an apology from the mother, but that wasn't the reason for the call. I just hope that after she heard from me, she could find peace within herself and be truthful about what she did since she has my forgiveness.

An Adoptee Giving Birth, Take Three

Once my son was potty trained and I no longer sported the diaper bag as my purse, my husband and I decided we were happy with our two kids and thus, we were done having kids. I was now looking forward to family vacations and making memories.

June 1996 came along and we found out we would be moving back to Omaha, thank goodness because our daughter was to start kindergarten and we did not like the school she would be going to in San Antonio. We found a house before we sold our current house but it all worked out in the end.

Just when we think we have life figured out, God gives us nudges to shake things up a little. When I heard the news story of a baby being left in the restroom in Disney World, for some reason, I felt the need to have that baby. I tried everything to find that baby. Then I talked to a social worker and she mentioned Holt...what?? Holt?? That was the adoption agency I was adopted thru! My mind started racing and there it was, my reminder of my dream as a little girl wanting to adopt a little girl from Korea.

Our adoption journey began January 1998. So much paperwork goes into an adoption so my husband and I decided to answer the questions separately then compare to see if we really did think alike, we did! That was a fun way to learn about each other. At the time of our process, since we already had a boy and a girl, we could not preference the sex of the baby, but when I talked to our social worker, I told her my wish was always to adopt a little girl. She said she would 'note' that. Now adoptees can preference the gender.

We passed the home study and now the wait began, seemed like an eternity. When the phone rang, I was expecting it to be my husband but it was our social worker. Thinking she was just checking up on us, I wasn't expecting her to tell me that she had a referral for us, meaning, a baby!! So the big question, was the baby a boy or a girl? It's a GIRL! I was shocked. I was told that we needed to pick up the paperwork at the office as we had five days to accept or decline the referral.

My husband was working a half day since we were planning a weekend trip to Minnesota. I called his office, no answer. Times like this is when cell phones would have been handy! I tried his office again, no answer!! I was bursting to tell someone so I called my mom. She was very excited for us. Finally my husband answered his phone. I asked him if he was sitting down, yes, why? Because you are going to be a father to another baby girl!!

On our way to Minnesota, we picked up the paperwork. As we started our trip, I looked thru the packet, found the little picture of the baby and what a doll! I then started reading the background information, I began to cry. I'm not sure why I started crying, was I crying for joy? Was I crying for her birthmother? Was I crying for my birthmother? Yes, all of the above. This was really the first time I had thought about my birthmother and what she did for me. Now here I was, on the receiving end of such a precious gift. Our daughter's bio was quite the bio. Looking back at my own information and lack there of, it was amazing to read so much about her birthmother. I felt like that was such a gift.

Once in Minnesota, we sent in our acceptance, even with us being in Minnesota and some paperwork needed was back home, thank goodness for my in laws getting it for us! Now the waiting began for our precious one to come home. I thought this wait would have been easier, but it wasn't because we kept looking at her picture and just wanted her home!

Getting the travel call, it was like Christmas morning in October! Our daughter was finally coming home! The day of her flight, we took our other two kids out of school early, had a nice family lunch out with another family that was getting their son that day too. We drove to Des Moines, met our greeter and another family waiting for their son. The escorts missed their connection flight in Denver, so they would be three hours late...NO!

The wait seemed so long, it really was long. But once we saw the plane land, it all hit me. My oldest daughter came running to me and put her arms around me and said, "She's finally here!" I lost it right there. This full circle moment came in a rush. I couldn't believe this was really happening. My daughter was finally home! I started crying, because I felt such pain for my new daughter's birthmother, her foster mother and my own birthmother. Such loss they all were feeling and such joy I was feeling.

Knowing she was the only girl in the bunch, we saw her immediately and what a cutie! And her hair, yes, she had the straight up Korean hair. She looked like a little doll and was just precious. I held her and at that moment, I knew our family was definitely complete. God is Good!

An Adoptee Giving Birth, Take Two

Raising a baby is not easy. Especially when the baby has colic from 6pm-10pm on a daily basis and your husband now works in Minnesota for God knows how long in the dead of winter. We made the most of it and temporarily moved our little family and dog up to Minnesota. Luckily we had my in laws to watch our brand new house for us while we were gone. It was a six month adventure that we enjoyed and treasure the memories to this day.

My husband's job situation changed since we knew him working out of town was not working for us. He was finally able to find a job in Omaha. Who knew a year and half later, we would move to San Antonio, Texas!

We settled into our new home in Texas. I was able to get into a routine of working out and my husband's company was just a mile from our house. So now that we were settled, how about baby number 2? I wasn't ready, mentally and I was just getting my pre pregnancy body back. It was too soon. But we didn't wait too long, we were expecting again in February 1994.

This time I read the pregnancy test myself, then left a note for my husband with the riddle: Roses are red, violets can be pink, what would you think if this time is was pink? (As in the color of the positive test reading.)

We went thru the usual doctor visits and sonograms. The one sonogram where you can see the sex of the baby, the technician asked us if we wanted to know, we both said no. At the end of the session, she asked us again and I told her I already knew. My husband was shocked that I already knew. So I told him, it was only fair.

My husband was still in shock when we got into to car, we were expecting a boy! He even started to cry, such a softy. He got nervous tho, he wasn't sure how to raise a boy, he was used to raising a girl! I told him it would all be ok, he would just have different body parts!

The morning of my checkup, the doctor sent me into have another ultra sound because my stomach was not measuring the same as the week I was pregnant. Wanted to make sure the baby had enough room! I went for the sonogram, the technician measured points here and there and told me the baby was about 5.6 lbs and that I should probably add another two weeks to my due date. Alrighty then!

That night, around 2:00am, I began having tightness in my abdomen area, I chalked it up to braxton hicks because I have had them before and plus, now I had another month till I was due! Needless to say, I was awake the rest of the night with these braxton hicks until 6:00am and I had the proof that I was actually in labor. I let my husband sleep until 7:00am then woke him up and told him I was in labor. Good morning!! We took our daughter to a friend's house and got to the hospital by 8:00am.

Get the epidural going! I had a great doctor and she was very much on my side about the epidural...but the nurses had a tough time getting the I.V. started. After two tries in both arms, the I.V. was started and now came the epidural. I was laying on my right side when the doctor asked me if the epidural was kicking in, I really had no idea since I had never had one. She told me to roll over onto my left side, so I did, she checked me out and wa-la! I was ready to deliver! After the first push, I could no long tell how hard I was pushing because of the epidural so I gave it all I had and out came our son at 10:11am! Quick delivery huh!

I looked at him and said, 'He doesn't look like he only weighs 5.6 lbs and sure enough, he weighed 7.8 lbs...um big difference! My body must stop 'cooking' at this weight as my daughter weighed 7.8 1/2 lbs at birth and she was two weeks late.

I thought my daughter looked like me when she was born, my son looked more like my husband. Funny how life works out just right.

An Adoptee Giving Birth

After graduating from college, I was busy planning my wedding. Ten months later, I married my high school sweetheart. Ten months later, I gave birth to my first daughter, but let's back up a bit.

Two months after my husband and I got married, he asked me if I was pregnant. Seriously, I hadn't even thought about it, but looking back the past month, I had missed my period. So we went to the grocery store, it was a Saturday and we needed food to make something for dinner so why not some yummy BLT's? As we checked out, all we had was lettuce, tomato, and a pregnancy test, too obvious?

We got home, I read the directions very carefully and we waited the longest three minutes of our lives...I got the test stick, didn't look at it as we were going to look at it together...it was positive. My husband flopped head first onto our bed in shock. I don't know what I was thinking, I think I was in shock too. Wow, we were going to have a baby, we were going to be parents. So the next thing to do was to make our BLT's, I was hungry!

It also happened to be Memorial Day weekend so there goes getting into a doctor on Monday! And of course, my husband was leaving for training in Chicago on Monday. It's so weird how knowing something, like being pregnant, all of a sudden the morning sickness struck, it was actually morning, noon, and night sickness. I had to deal with it the best I could, I didn't know anything else since I was new to this. We didn't want to tell family until we knew for sure after my doctor's appointment. Being around other family members that weekend was pretty tough.

The pregnancy test at the doctor confirmed I was indeed pregnant. I called my hubby and told him. I think we were both still in shock. So now what do we do? Hubby was in Chicago for training and would be there for a few months so I continued to work and deal with my morning sickness.

During the pregnancy, I never once thought about the baby having my genes and someone that will look like me, it just never occurred to me. I guess it's because I was living life and pretty secure about who I was at the time. I didn't label myself as an adoptee or the only person in my family that looked different, or being the only Asian in elementary school and being one of the very few minority kids in high school. I felt like I was like everyone else.

The birth of my daughter was quite the experience, I actually had a pretty short labor for it being my first time giving birth. Looking at my daughter, there it was, a face that did look like me! I don't think I was surprised, but it was kind of a weird feeling for me to see my daughter looking like me. I guess I was assuming she was going to look 'white' but she was a great combination of the two of us. What a blessing.

Growing Up

I would say that I was a happy kid and a happy teenager. I was the 'typical' kid all around. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be involved, so I made it happen. I wasn't angry about being adopted, I knew this was my life so I needed to live it. Sure kids picked on me, what kid doesn't go thru being picked on, adopted or not? The teasing was worse when I was younger, kids can be very mean. The teasing actually lasted til I was a freshman in high school, really people, don't you have better things to do? I would stare down this person and try to speak with my eyes, "Really, you are picking on me, like you have room to talk!" And yes, I could be just as mean as any other kid. During all of this, I never felt sorry for myself. I saw other kids being picked on and teased around me.

What I am trying to say is being picked on as a kid does not soley mean it was because I was adopted and being Korean. I don't blame anyone for this happening to me. Kids are just mean kids all around.

As a teenager, I was very social, I considered myself as very happy. And yes, I was the 'typical' teenager too, I fought with my mom, I wanted to do things my way, I wanted to just hang with my friends, and I wanted things everyone else had. But I did work for the things I wanted, hung out with my friends, was involved in school and loved life as it was. I always liked school no matter what.

So why didn't I want to go to college? I'm not sure, it just wasn't something I felt I really wanted to do. I think I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom from when I was very young so why spend money on college? I went to college and I did enjoy it, not the class load, I only liked school for the social aspect, not the learning aspect. I know college helped me grow up too, but then again, I was always independent.

My goals were never to be an executive in a company, I just wanted to raise a nice family. Now, at the age of 43, I have become the person that I dreamed of as that little 4 1/2 year old little girl that was locked up. But getting to my age wasn't easy either. I've made my mistakes, I have sinned, I have been selfish. I think I was fighting a fight that I didn't know I was fighting. When I look back at those times, I can see that I saw anything that I had attached myself to, it was taken away from me; my birthmother, my care takers at my orphanage, my first family(even tho that wasn't the ideal setting, they were still what I knew at the time), my nuclear family, my father.

I tried many times to push my husband away, because I was determined that I would be the one to push him away before he pushed me away. I was very lucky to have picked the person I did to be my husband, he truly has stuck with me thru the good and the bad. I felt I didn't deserve the life I had, I wasn't worthy of the good all around me. It took til my middle 30's to realize that I was worthy of all that I had in my life. I know some of these feelings were due to being adopted, but I also think most mothers go thru this. We want to focus on our families, we want to be the best wife and mother possible, so we tend to lose who we are and put ourselves on the back burner.

I finally focused on myself and allowed myself to be happy and truly enjoy all that was good around me. That opened up a whole new world for me and that has led to the person I am today. I do slip every once in awhile and get all worked up about spoiling myself so to balance it out, I give to my favorite charity, then I feel I can spoil myself. Life is good, but know that I am only human, adopted or not.

Where Your Paths Meet…

Where Your Paths Meet…

Fast Forward

After graduating from college, I married my high school sweetheart. Ten months later, we had our daughter. I became a stay at home mom from that point on. Three and half years later, our son was born in San Antonio. When they were 2 and 5, we decided we were done having kids, hubby took care of that.

Life changes when you least expect it. 1998, we decided to adopt a baby from Korea. Nine months later, our daughter came home to us. Full circle moments for me and a lot of tears. I have written my thoughts on going thru the adoption experience before. So much that you can't control, it's quite the roller coaster ride. Now our family was complete.

After the adoption experience, I decided to volunteer for Holt as a way to give back. Little did I know just how involved I would get! I am still a big volunteer for Holt today and love every minute of it. I have met so many people along the way and feel so blessed to know we are connected in some way because of adoption.

My Childhood

I had a very good childhood, it was full of family time, vacations, camping, spending time at my grandparents' farm. I got along great with my sister, she is two years older than me. Because of these great memories, I wanted my own kids to have great memories.

But let me back up a bit. My hubby always shakes his head when I say I had a good childhood because by the time I was a teenager, my parents had already divorced. Before they got divorced, I was so unhappy and uneasy with all the fighting. I remember my sister and I would clean the house, make an elaborate dinner and try to get my parents to have a 'romantic' dinner together. The fighting continued. We were told to pretend nothing was wrong when we went to visit relatives. No wonder I hate pretending to this day. I couldn't stand it, so when my parents divorced, I was actually relieved. Silence.

Okay, almost too much silence. My sister didn't take the divorce as well as I did. She needed some treatment so the attention went to her getting better. Once she got better, my mom went into trying to win my father back mode. My father ended up getting remarried to someone else. Then my mom spent a lot of time spending time with her friends. I don't think I minded, I spent all my time at my friend's house and also my boyfriend's house, my now husband. The times I did mind were the times I was forced to go out with my mom and her friends, really, I'm a young teenager, do I really want to spend time with all adults, no! I remember having some knock down drag out fights with her regarding this. I didn't know any of the adults so why should I have to spend time with all of them? Then I was forced to change churches because my mom didn't feel comfortable attending the church I grew up in. I was so angry at this change! I had friends at the church and was actually involved in the youth group, now I had to leave it all behind because she was uncomfortable being a divorced mother.

I went thru my high school years feeling like I was doing it all on my own. When I made drill team, no one was home, just me so no excitement around me except for the girls that picked me up. My mom didn't even know I made the team until I came home later that night. Remember, we didn't have cell phones back then and why would I even bother to call since no one was home anyway.

I had been babysitting since I was young with jobs here and there to pay for everything. During the summers, I wanted a job that would really take me away from it all. One job, I wanted to work on a cruise ship, my mom said no. Another summer I wanted to work as a nanny and found a job for a family on the east coast, my mom said no so I had my friend take the job instead. It ended up the family was the Coach Pitino family. I ended up cleaning hotel rooms and cleaning houses, glamorous huh.

Instead of going to college, I wanted to join the Peace Corp. My mom said no. I went to college. By this time, my sister had moved to California with a guy she had met. My freshman class load was tough with chemistry and right before finals, my mom called to tell me my father had passed away.

My Forever Family, Take Two

The background story of my current family waiting for me. My parents decided on adoption after they had trouble conceiving again after having their daughter. They requested an older child and so with that request, their social worker told them about me and the situation I was in and would they be up to adopting me. Their answer was yes. This is the picture they received of me:

No other pictures were available since this was such a touchy situation regarding the first parents. The adoption agency requested that the parents surrender me and that the adoption would never be finalized. The parents refused to surrender me.

Now the waiting began for my new parents. I am not sure how many months they had to wait, but they were told that they could receive a call any day and when that day came, I would be in their home that day. That day came on December 1, 1972. This was the little coat I was wearing that day:

I have written about this coat before on my blog. You can't tell really how small it is, but it is a size two toddler, I was 5 1/2 years old. I am not one to keep a lot of things from the past, but I still have this little coat. It's a reminder for me of what I came from and what I survived.

I remember going into my new family's apartment, now my new home. Everything smelled so different to me. I looked all around and didn't know what to think. I've been told by my mom that I didn't talk for a long time. When I would eat, I would eat so much that my stomach would balloon up, that made my mom worry so she asked some friends of hers if she should be concerned. My stomach blew up from the food because I still had malnutrition, even with being in the United States for 15 months. Guess my first mother was force feeding me bananas too, no wonder I don't like them. But I like banana bread!

I asked my mom how they dealt with me trusting them and bonding with them. She told me they held me a lot and spent a lot of time with me the first month I was with them. I also received a lot of attention at school from teachers and the principal. I was so small, I couldn't see over the counter in the cafeteria so the principal would carry me thru the line. My parents told him he had to stop doing that and treat me like everyone else.

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!

Since I was found, I was hoping I wasn't going back home...wrong, I was returned to my family since I was just right next door. Ya think this made my situation any better? I can remember my mother putting her hand on my cheek with the pretense of being so relieved, but I could see in her eyes the anger and could feel the harshness of her hand on my face. I had thoroughly embarrassed her.

The one time I did receive any type of sympathy was when my leg was in a cast because I had been on the back of my sister's bike and my foot got caught in the spokes and my ankle broke. Wouldn't want to kick a person when she's already down, right? Thank goodness for a broken ankle.

My next memory was a pretty drastic one. I was at my school(I never remembered going to school this whole time), my social worker was there, the principal of the school and probably some other people. My social worker showed me a picture of a family, a mother, father and their daughter. She asked me if I wanted to go live with them. I knew this was my out. I had dreamed and dreamed of getting out everyday as I sat locked up in my room. I looked at the picture and I shook my head yes. I was in this new family that same day after I had endured 15 months with the first family. How I survived, I will never know, God must have been holding onto me pretty tight.

National Adoption Awareness Month

In honor of this, I will be telling my entire life story. Some have heard it, some have not, some in detail, some not. So this will be the time for everyone to catch up on My Life and how I came to be. I got this idea from my friend, Mary, also an adoptee. You can read her blog, Candidly Speaking from the link on this page.

I need to clarify that what is written here is from my very own point of view, how I viewed my life from when I could first remember things. How I viewed life is my very own, no one can take it away from me, just like how I view life today, no one can take away from me.

So daily, if I remember, I will write about my life so stay tuned if you are interested.

I began my life journey on September 2, 1971 as I made my very long trip from S. Korea to Minnesota, USA. Here is my passport picture:

I was 4 1/2 years old. I don't remember this trip at all. Truthfully, I don't remember too much of this first year with my new family. But, the parts I do remember, not pleasant at all.

I was the adoption agency's worst case scenario, I was being physically abused, I guess by the mother. My social worker knew about this abuse, the neighbors knew about this abuse, my school knew about this abuse. Yet there I was, still in this family month after month.

My memories of this family: I remember my father sitting in the lazy-boy reading the newspaper, that's it, ever. I don't remember any of my siblings, I had four. When I had to go to the bathroom, I was instructed to inform my mother. She would then follow behind me, kick me in the back all the way to the bathroom. This happened everytime I had to go to the bathroom. I remember one time, I was in the backyard, which was rare to be outside, I had to go to the bathroom, but I didn't want to tell my mother. So I pooped in my pants, took out the poop with a leaf and hid it under another leaf.

The majority of my days were spent being locked in my room. There was a pocket door that lead to the kitchen, my mother would lock it from the kitchen. The hall door, my mother would jam a washcloth way up high in the door so I couldn't open it. I didn't have the strength or the height to reach it anyway, I was a tiny kid. I would sit on my twin bed and stare at the walls, there were no toys in my room, just my bed and a dresser.

Other days, I remember being punished for I don't know what, and my mother would grab me by my ankles and slam me against the wall. I never knew what would set her off. One day, she didn't put the washcloth in the door. I realized this was my time to run. So I quietly opened the bottom dresser drawer and took out my tennis shoes. I remember having a hard time getting them on my feet because my feet and ankles were so swollen from being beaten, but I managed to get them on.

I opened the door very quietly, looked down the hall and listened for any noise. No noise, no people. I tiptoed out of my room and down the hall. I had done it! I got out of the house and ran away!! I remember hiding in a corner of somewhere, I had no clue where. I tried to make myself as small as I could, I closed my eyes and hoped I would just disappear. No luck, people found me. I guess I got as far as my next door neighbor's garage and was hiding in the corner. But to me, it felt like a million miles away!

On Hold

My adventure to Haiti has been put on hold due to the outbreak of cholera. I'm a little bummed out, but better safe than sorry! But now I can't even go to Korea because my hubby has travel plans when the gift team trip begins...double darn.

I am anxious to travel again, it's been way too long since I've traveled internationally, I think I am going thru withdrawals big time. My hubby is doing more traveling too so that doesn't help matters.

The Holidays are approaching, maybe that has impacted my anxiousness. I will be busy enough with my daughter's upcoming cheerleading competitions so I will just have to be patient.