Growing Up

I would say that I was a happy kid and a happy teenager. I was the 'typical' kid all around. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be involved, so I made it happen. I wasn't angry about being adopted, I knew this was my life so I needed to live it. Sure kids picked on me, what kid doesn't go thru being picked on, adopted or not? The teasing was worse when I was younger, kids can be very mean. The teasing actually lasted til I was a freshman in high school, really people, don't you have better things to do? I would stare down this person and try to speak with my eyes, "Really, you are picking on me, like you have room to talk!" And yes, I could be just as mean as any other kid. During all of this, I never felt sorry for myself. I saw other kids being picked on and teased around me.

What I am trying to say is being picked on as a kid does not soley mean it was because I was adopted and being Korean. I don't blame anyone for this happening to me. Kids are just mean kids all around.

As a teenager, I was very social, I considered myself as very happy. And yes, I was the 'typical' teenager too, I fought with my mom, I wanted to do things my way, I wanted to just hang with my friends, and I wanted things everyone else had. But I did work for the things I wanted, hung out with my friends, was involved in school and loved life as it was. I always liked school no matter what.

So why didn't I want to go to college? I'm not sure, it just wasn't something I felt I really wanted to do. I think I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom from when I was very young so why spend money on college? I went to college and I did enjoy it, not the class load, I only liked school for the social aspect, not the learning aspect. I know college helped me grow up too, but then again, I was always independent.

My goals were never to be an executive in a company, I just wanted to raise a nice family. Now, at the age of 43, I have become the person that I dreamed of as that little 4 1/2 year old little girl that was locked up. But getting to my age wasn't easy either. I've made my mistakes, I have sinned, I have been selfish. I think I was fighting a fight that I didn't know I was fighting. When I look back at those times, I can see that I saw anything that I had attached myself to, it was taken away from me; my birthmother, my care takers at my orphanage, my first family(even tho that wasn't the ideal setting, they were still what I knew at the time), my nuclear family, my father.

I tried many times to push my husband away, because I was determined that I would be the one to push him away before he pushed me away. I was very lucky to have picked the person I did to be my husband, he truly has stuck with me thru the good and the bad. I felt I didn't deserve the life I had, I wasn't worthy of the good all around me. It took til my middle 30's to realize that I was worthy of all that I had in my life. I know some of these feelings were due to being adopted, but I also think most mothers go thru this. We want to focus on our families, we want to be the best wife and mother possible, so we tend to lose who we are and put ourselves on the back burner.

I finally focused on myself and allowed myself to be happy and truly enjoy all that was good around me. That opened up a whole new world for me and that has led to the person I am today. I do slip every once in awhile and get all worked up about spoiling myself so to balance it out, I give to my favorite charity, then I feel I can spoil myself. Life is good, but know that I am only human, adopted or not.